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Post by daveb on Jun 3, 2008 10:14:12 GMT
A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between LimeWhite Guitar Man to Cork. "About 2 hours," says the conductor. "Okay," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork to LimeWhite Guitar Man?" The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's to Christmas!"
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Post by Cliodhna Crowley on Jun 3, 2008 10:33:05 GMT
;D shocking
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Post by Cliodhna Crowley on Jun 3, 2008 11:25:42 GMT
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
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Post by daveb on Jun 3, 2008 14:35:33 GMT
Now that's what I call crap ;D
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Post by Cliodhna Crowley on Jun 3, 2008 15:55:10 GMT
Now that's what I call crap ;D
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Post by daveb on Jun 4, 2008 7:16:15 GMT
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices and asks “Is your date running late?” “No” he replies “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.” The intrigued woman says “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?” Bond explains, It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.” The lady says “What’s it telling you now?” “Well it says you’re not wearing any knickers.” The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing Knickers.” Bond smirks and taps his watch. “Bloody things an hour fast” ;D
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Post by Cliodhna Crowley on Jun 4, 2008 8:51:34 GMT
The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."
"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"
"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.
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cc2
New Member
Posts: 37
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Post by cc2 on Jun 4, 2008 12:57:38 GMT
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.
"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."
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Post by daveb on Jun 5, 2008 11:07:06 GMT
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in sh1t up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with sh1t up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with sh1t up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
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Post by Cliodhna Crowley on Jun 5, 2008 14:45:25 GMT
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in sh1t up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with sh1t up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with sh1t up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
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sylvestre
New Member
twat
Coming to a train track near you...
Posts: 13
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Post by sylvestre on Jun 6, 2008 16:39:05 GMT
What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The pilot. Why, what were you thinking of, ya racist???
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Post by daveb on Jun 7, 2008 12:07:47 GMT
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on its head."
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Post by Cliodhna Crowley on Jun 7, 2008 19:48:59 GMT
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on its head."
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Post by daveb on Jun 8, 2008 17:35:13 GMT
Man walking down the street noticed a street vendor with a sign FROGS FOR SALE.. "greatest blow job you will ever have”.
The man approached and the vendor said, trust me, these frogs give the best blow job you will ever get. The man proceeded home with his new purchase.
About 3am the man’s wife was awakened by strange noises and a light coming from the kitchen. She arose to investigate. When she looked in the kitchen she was amazed to see pots and pans scattered all over, cookbooks opened, her husband frying a steak, and the frog up on the counter watching her husband.
She asked "what the hell are you doing”.
He replied "as soon as I teach this frog to cook.......you`re outa here!!
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Post by shinkicker on Jun 9, 2008 0:19:30 GMT
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man with his face doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and an ironing board shoved up his backside.
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Post by daveb on Jun 9, 2008 20:38:00 GMT
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course." The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
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Post by Cliodhna Crowley on Jun 10, 2008 7:48:36 GMT
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course." The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62." "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!" an oldie but a good one
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Post by daveb on Jun 12, 2008 7:14:55 GMT
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sylvestre
New Member
twat
Coming to a train track near you...
Posts: 13
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Post by sylvestre on Jun 12, 2008 8:39:16 GMT
Bloke goes into a pub and asks for a large whisky. He necks it in one, and asks for another. Same thing, down in one, and asks for another. "Blimey," said the barman, "you're caning it pretty hard today." "Well," says the bloke, "you'd drink like this if you had what I've got." "What's that?" asks the barman. "About 47p..."
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Post by Cliodhna Crowley on Jun 12, 2008 9:27:40 GMT
Bloke goes into a pub and asks for a large whisky. He necks it in one, and asks for another. Same thing, down in one, and asks for another. "Blimey," said the barman, "you're caning it pretty hard today." "Well," says the bloke, "you'd drink like this if you had what I've got." "What's that?" asks the barman. "About 47p..." (took ya long enough to figure out about the profile)
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cc2
New Member
Posts: 37
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Post by cc2 on Jun 12, 2008 12:48:05 GMT
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Post by podge on Jun 14, 2008 16:29:40 GMT
Below is a picture of two dolphins. If you can see both dolphins, your stress level is within the acceptable range. If you see anything other than two dolphins, your stress level is too high and you need to stay home and rest. Picture
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Post by podge on Jun 14, 2008 16:44:52 GMT
Here's a pic of my date, Im taking her out on 31st September It's the lovely Miss Crowley
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Post by Cliodhna Crowley on Jun 14, 2008 17:16:59 GMT
Here's a pic of my date, Im taking her out on 31st September It's the lovely Miss Crowley the before shot looks like your mother
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Post by podge on Jun 14, 2008 20:54:24 GMT
Here's a pic of my date, Im taking her out on 31st September It's the lovely Miss Crowley the before shot looks like your mother No miss she looks worse than that
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Post by podge on Jun 14, 2008 21:05:05 GMT
A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire! Fireman asks "how do we get there?" She replies "ERR HELLO! in the red fooking lorry"!!!
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Post by podge on Jun 14, 2008 21:10:28 GMT
Paddy finds wife in bed wearing crotchless panties. She opens legs and asks "do you want to lick this?" Paddy says " fook off look what it's done to your knickers!"
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Post by daveb on Jun 14, 2008 21:12:29 GMT
Paddy finds wife in bed wearing crotchless panties. She opens legs and asks "do you want to lick this?" Paddy says " fook off look what it's done to your knickers!" PODGE You are pushing you luck mate.
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Post by podge on Jun 14, 2008 21:17:04 GMT
Hey Paddy The weight of an average pair of tits is 1.5kg. Scientists have yet to work out the average weight of a c*nt. So if you could pop on the scales and pm me back...
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Post by daveb on Jun 14, 2008 21:20:33 GMT
Hey Paddy The weight of an average pair of tits is 1.5kg. Scientists have yet to work out the average weight of a c*nt. So if you could pop on the scales and pm me back... PM sent expect a ban ;D
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